I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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