what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize