I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
