i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
