dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
