Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
