Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
