it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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