my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
