I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
