bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
bring money and cleavage
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
