My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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