I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
