I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
