I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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