Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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