Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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