if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
