I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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