Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
