she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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