My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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