He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
