there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
