Just fell off a train. Bad.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
