watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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