well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
