I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
