I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
