I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
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i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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