She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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