As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
