I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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