Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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