I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
