Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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