Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm at about main and main street
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
