First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
