Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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