There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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