I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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