I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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