i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
