i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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