I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
