matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
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Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
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You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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