in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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