So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
