I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
