did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
