You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
