She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
