My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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