wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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