Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
