Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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