It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
