If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
