i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
