I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
